Valentines and Love: My soulmate

When my husband and I got married almost thirty years ago, we came to an agreement that gifts on anniversaries or Valentine’s Day were not necessary. We decided to simply share some time together and exchange cards that expressed our feelings for each other.

For some reason, I have never felt that my husband needed to give me something to show how much he loved me. I always knew that by the way he lived each day, the way he kissed me every morning, held my hand or my belt loop just so he could touch me. I knew he loved me when he’d get up in the middle of the night to check on a crying child so that I could get my rest. Everything little thing he did told me quite loudly and clearly that he loved me.

So, I never expected gifts. We’d spend a nice quiet evening together on those special days, holding hands and just looking at each other. Then we’d share our cards. I’ve kept every single one of those cards! When we were younger, I’d put dates on them and sometimes include where we had dinner or a little note about what we did.

What always bothered me was the reaction I received when I was asked what Tim got me for Valentine’s Day. My response was always “a card.” Some of my friends were appalled with my answer. “You mean you got absolutely nothing! Not even flowers?”

Now, there’s a story about flowers. I love them, but my dear husband fails to see the purpose of giving a gift that will die. He explained his logic, and I understood. That doesn’t mean I still don’t love flowers! I just don’t expect them as a gift from him. So you can imagine my shock when he came home from a trip once with a bundle of flowers for me.

“What did you do?” I asked him. “Why are you feeling guilty?” I gave him the inquisition. “All the other guys were buying flowers for their wives, so I thought what the heck.” My poor husband didn’t realize that his simple action would bring my wrath upon him. I told him that he never felt flowers were necessary before and that he was obviously trying to hide something from me. Why else would he have so dramatically changed his behavior?

Needless to say, I don’t get flowers any more. That’s another agreement we’ve come to in our marriage! I was content never having received them , and the drama that they caused when I did made the agreement essentially a no-brainer!

This year Tim and I will have a special Valentine’s dinner. We’ll exchange our cards, and when I am asked by those friends what gift I received, I will tell them that I didn’t get flowers or chocolates or jewelry, but I have the gift of love from my husband. A gift that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Valentines and Love: My Children

Love comes to us in many shapes and I think that love is an appropriate topic for the month of February. Recently, I’ve been thinking about all of the different loves in my life, and I can’t help but think of the love I feel for my children. Love between a parent and child can be a very deep love.

I remember when my children brought me special gifts to share their love for me. There were the hand-made paper cards, the bouquets of dandelions, the hand-painted crafts from Sunday School or summer camp. But one of my absolute favorite gifts came from my daughter in the form of an English project when she was in the seventh grade.

Her assignment was to write about her role model. The students could choose any person, and my daughter chose me. Below is one of the most precious gifts I have ever received.

My Role Model
Tiffany Jarman May 1996

My role model is my mother
For me there is no other.
She has always been there for me
To love me and to care for me.
Many a new thing has she taught me.
She makes friends so easily.
She has so many friends
That the list doesn’t come to an end.
Someone of a different religion or race
Never to them has she shown a mean face.
Some of them have handicaps.
Never has she even thought to give them a laugh.
Some are attracted to others of the same sex.
But she just shrugs and says, “What the heck!
That doesn’t make any difference to me!
All are equal anyway.”
They are just as nice and just as smart,
In her life they play a very important part.
After all, everyone is only human.
She is trying to teach me to make friends as easily as she can
She has taught me many important things
Because of her, I feel as though I have wings.
She has shown me how everything I do fits into real life
She has taught me how to deal with stress and strife.
She has encouraged me to do better and more
With her help, I’ve done better than I’ve ever done before.
She always tries new things and always does her best.
She is so much better than all the rest.
My role model is no other
Than my wonderful, loving mother.

That poem hangs in my kitchen to this day. It is a constant reminder to me of the powerful role we play as parents, and how very blessed I have been to have the love of my two beautiful children. I continue to send them Valentine cards every year to celebrate the love I have for them.

Valentines and Love

Love comes in many different ways. Romantic love, unconditional love, and of course the love of true friendship. I have been blessed in my life with some wonderful friends, but I typically don’t associate my friendships with Valentine’s Day.

Last year, my friend Pam sent me a package at Valentine’s Day. When it arrived, I held it in my hand and looked at it for a few minutes before I opened it. “What on earth has she done this time?” I thought to myself. I’ll admit I was a bit surprised when I opened it and found a CD.

My dear friend had made a CD for me full of songs about friendship. There was Bette Midler’s “You’ve Got to Have Friends” and “We Are Family.” The CD was full of songs we had sung together over the years and songs that spoke of the special love of friends.

During our long friendship, my two best girls have become part of my family. My kids refer to them as Auntie Pammie and Auntie Carol. My girls come to family gatherings, birthday parties, weddings, showers and funerals. We share a special bond.

We’ve traveled together often. One of those special trips was supposed to be to Atlanta in the fall of 2001. Airport security had become extremely tight after 9/11, and our flight to Hotlanta didn’t look like such a good idea when an overzealous sports fan jumped the security line and shut down the airport. “Go to the gate agent and ask her to switch our flight to New York,” I told a panicked Pam over the phone on my way to Regan National. Having a spouse who is an airline employee has its advantages when quick changes in flight itineraries are needed.

Within a few short minutes, our weekend trip to the south became a weekend trip to the north. We still laugh about that adventure to this day. Laughter, it’s the spice of life! We had packed for a weekend of hiking and casual outings, only to find ourselves in midtown Manhattan purchasing tickets for a Broadway show. A costume change was seriously needed, but it was nothing that a shopping trip to Macy’s couldn’t change!

We had a blast that weekend. Three best girlfriends having fun wherever they were, making the best of any situation. We’re always there for each other, even if it’s been weeks or months since we’ve spoken. I can depend on my girls, and yes, I love them dearly. We are family!

This blog entry appeared in my column : "The Empty Nest" in the Frederick News Post, Sunday February 6, 2011.

A special friend

In May of 2010, our son brought a very special friend into our lives. Tim adopted a dog through petfinder.com. On a Friday evening in May, we traveled to Martinsburg, WV, to bring Titus home.

Titus was a beautiful brindle-mix who was full of energy and loved life. Titus took advantage of any and every opportunity to play and to chew! He chewed whatever came into his path--shoes, pillows, sofas, chairs. You name it, and Titus chewed it! He loved to play ball and enjoyed the company of other dogs, especially his buddy, Belle.

Titus loved to chase things, too. He'd chase our beagle, Miss Belle, all around the house and the backyard. He'd chase leaves and balls. On the 4th of July, we learned that he loved to chase water coming out of water fountains. Winter brought snow into Titus's life. And he loved snow, rolling in it and tossing it.

Titus loved to eat. He loved ice cream and hamburgers. He loved treats and dog bones. A rustle in the kitchen would send him bounding to see what you were doing.

But Titus really loved my son. They were best buddies. Titus's entire body would wag when he saw Tim. He'd jump and cry. Watching the two of them play in the backyard was always lots of fun. They'd roll on the ground and run.

Titus's life ended all too soon with a tragic accident on January 11, 2011. He will forever be in our hearts. Our friend and my son's special buddy. Rest in peace, Titus. You were truly loved.

Our Girl Guide

If you’re looking to do something fun and exciting this year, you might consider opening your home to guests. We’ve done it frequently in the past and the results have usually been wonderful. One instance when we opened our home was when we offered to provide housing for a Girl Guide from Great Britain during the summer of 1997.

There was no language barrier with Rosemary. She was after all British. But things were very quiet. Every invitation we extended to her for activities or outings, she eagerly accepted. Rosemary participated in so many activities during her stay, but I wasn’t sure how happy she was with us. She never seemed to say anything except “all rightie.” And she would smile. I asked Tiffany if Rosemary had mentioned anything about how she was feeling about the stay with us. Tiff said that Rosemary hadn’t said anything negative, but she hadn’t said anything positive either. She just seemed very agreeable and we had a very pleasant time with her during her stay.

About two weeks after Rosemary left, we received a very lengthy letter from her telling us about the wonderful time she had spent with us and all of the memories she had. She thanked us several times for allowing her to stay. We continued to hear from Rosemary quite frequently after that. In fact, we heard much more from her after her visit than we ever did during her visit!

On a trip to England in 2001, we had lunch in London with Rosemary and met her boyfriend, Nick. We spent a lovely afternoon with the two of them. Letters and gifts from Rosemary continued to arrive. When Tiffany spent a semester in London during her junior year of college, she contacted Rosemary. They spent a lot of time together. In fact, Tiffany attended a family wedding and several other events with Rosemary.

We were thrilled when Rosemary and Nick announced their engagement. Unfortunately, we were not able to attend the wedding, but felt like it was a joyous occasion for a member of our “extended” family. We were able to again rejoice with Rosemary when she finished her doctorate and I heard all about her research on mosquitoes when I visited London in 2009. Rosemary, Nick and I met for a light dinner in Picadilly Circus. Our shy little Girl Guide had grown into a beautiful young woman.

Rosemary and Tiffany now correspond more often. They’re both young wives and have much to share. Rosemary and Nick are now in Kuala Lumpur where Rosemary is doing research, and Tiffany and Bram are living in the Netherlands. They’re both far from home, but can still share their experiences through email and Facebook. My guess is that it will be a lifelong friendship between the two of them. A friendship that came from opening our home to a guest.

Dissertation Update 2

1:30pm Monday January 17, 2010-Proposal Defense, James L. Bowman Education Building, Cameron Street, Winchester, VA.

Today I defended the proposal for my dissertation, Improving Foreign Language Instruction Through Increased Target-Language Reading. I will admit that earlier in the day I had been terribly nervous. I felt well-prepared, but I was nervous. The defense was to begin at 1:30, but I arrived early and was accompanied by my husband and my dog. I think they added the extra support I needed. They took a walk while I defended.

My committee consists of three powerfully intelligent women. Drs. Brenda Murphy, Catherine Bodin and Ann Lesman. All three are linguists with distinguished careers. They're an awesome bunch. We sat together around the conference table,and I awaited what I thought would be the inquisition. Dr. Lesman began by complimenting me on my writing, adding that my proposal was very well done. The other members agreed that any feedback they offered was minor and Dr. Murphy said "We're really just nitpicking." I know I let out a huge sigh of relief...I'm just not sure how audible it was!

For the next hour, we discussed the research, my study and our unanimous love for teaching. It was fun!

So now with Institutional Review Board approval, I will begin the study for my dissertation. One step up the ladder of three stairs! Or the first letter in Dr. J! Either way you look at it, I'm on the road and there's no turning back!

Baseball Open House

If you’re looking to do something fun and exciting this year, you might consider opening your home to guests. We’ve done it frequently in the past and the results have usually been wonderful. One instance when we opened our home was when we were members of the Frederick Keys Fan Club. We decided to rent our spare bedroom out to Keys players who would be in Frederick for the baseball season.

In the spring of 1999, we opened our home to one of the Orioles first-round draft picks. His name was Darnell McDonald and he was in his second season of professional baseball. Darnell was nineteen when he came to live with us. My son was thrilled to have another ball player staying in our home. 1999 was our fourth year to house players. We had watched them get promoted to the next level and we had also watched them as they were released from their contracts. But Darnell was not just another minor leaguer who had come to stay with us, during the course of that baseball season he became a big brother to my son and etched a special spot in my heart.

Everyone on the team had high expectations for Darnell. He was named high school football player of the year in the state of Colorado and he had received a full scholarship to play football at the University of Texas. In baseball, he was named Baseball America’s High School Player of the Year for 1997 and was a first-team high school All-American player. When the Orioles signed him, it was the highest signing bonus they had ever offered to a minor league player. His first year with the Delmarva Shorebirds, he batted .261 and had 35 stolen bases. But when Darnell came to Frederick, he struggled. He confided to me that God had humbled him that season. He struggled on the field and off the field.

But through all of the struggle, my son watched Darnell. He watched Darnell hold his head high and he saw him head to the field early each day and stay late after each game hoping to somehow improve his performance. Darnell and Timmy would play video games together and laugh. It was a growing time for both of them. They became good friends.

Darnell and Timmy stayed close through the years. We met Darnell’s fiancé and were thrilled when they got married. We’ve spent time with both of their little girls and have attended several family gatherings. Timmy has watched Darnell stick with his baseball career, through the highs and the lows, and Timmy was there at Fenway Park watching Darnell play in the big leagues this past summer. Both my boys, my son and my adopted baseball son, have grown up. It has been my joy to watch them; a joy that might never have occurred had we not opened our home many years ago.